Sunday, October 21, 2012

Annie Wright The story continues

 Hi again everyone, here is the next part of the story about Annie Wright. If you have not been following the story, please go back and start at the beginning to understand what is happening.
From Annie's manuscript that she wrote.....

Maybe I should not be writing this for who knows who will read it, but I feel I have to so that I will be understood.  As I write it, I feel I am making peace with myself, forgiving myself for the choices that I made way back then.  It all happened so suddenly and once it started it was as if I had got caught up in an unfamiliar part of life that I had no experience with, yet I went after if as if  my life depended on it. I know I hurt some people but it was my life and for the first time, I wanted what I wanted, not what they all wanted and expected from me. I had suddenly came alive and the real me stepped forward. I believe life does that to us all for  we are who we are meant to be and  at some point, life forces us to shed our outer layers and face the reality of our souls desire.

 His name was Jeff and he was from  a small town in Alberta.   He had travelled across the country selling and delivering typewriters. He said he loved his work  because he got to travel and meet so many people.  When he stopped by my place that day, his life changed as well. Had he known what lay ahead of him, would he have  stayed the night?  

He held me close and I could feel the beating of his heart. His arms felt strong and I felt myself mold into his embrace.   I was so afraid as I reached to put my arms around his neck. It felt so good and I forced myself to  look into his eyes. I felt weak. As we both stood there shaking and holding on to each other, he gently kissed my lips, with a warmth I had never known. It was the first time I had felt  passion and  it was magnetic for I held on to him as if nothing else in the world existed.  That night I layed in his arms and we talked until  the early hours  of the morning.   He was a gentleman and never did anything but hold me that night, despite an awakening and need inside of me.  I was afraid and yet I was not, for a longing  that I had never known burned  its way through my  good girl common sense.  

I woke up the next morning to the sound of him cooking breakfast on my mother's new wood stove. What would she had said if she knew what was going on in her kitchen.   Afraid that he would see me in the early morning light, I made my way to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked  a mess with my hair  uncombed and my face pale and tired looking. Yet my eyes were bright and full of life. I quickly splashed water on it and brushed my teeth. I tied my hair up in a loose  ponytail and headed downstairs to see  him holding out a cup of tea for me. I smiled and  reached to take it but he set it on the counter and reached for me instead. Once again, I was safe and warm in his arms and felt like I was the happiest person in the world. I could not imagine  being this way.  The word love  suddenly made sense to me and I repeated it over and over again in my head, smiling  to myself.

Looking back on my life, I would have to say that this was the happiest day of my life.

Okay folks, that is it for tonight. I have to go and get ready for work tomorrow. I promise I will write a few entries during the week ahead. Please leave a comment if you have read it. Thanks Teresa for your comments, I appreciate them.  I will soon be adding a way for you to subscribe to this blog as soon as I figure out how to do it. Then you will be able to be notified by email for each entry and will never miss a part of the story. Thanks for reading it and have a nice evening!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

The Fear of Changing a Door Knob

A heavy fall rain  is falling at this time here at the Inn. It is really coming down  and once again the  fire crackling in my wood stove feels great. I have to go out for supper as  my sister just got home and a delicious plate of lasanga is waiting for me, so it will be worth going out in this wet weather.  It was a busy day here, as Saturdays always are, for it is catch up on chores day. I amazed myself by changing the lock on my front door all by myself. I knew it had to be done and have thought about it for about two months, wondering who I could get to come in and change it. Part of me said to do it myself, the  other part said  you can't do that Mary... it takes someone who knows what they are doing.  That persistant voice that is always trying to hold me back told me that I would get into a mess if I tried and then what would I do. It would be worst than ever, because I would  ruin the lock already there and then my door would not lock at all.  So I listened to  that supposedly voice of reason but this morning I said no and looked on Google to see if I could maybe try and actually do it. I found my screw driver,  opened the package for the new knob and after about twenty minutes, I had  the new knob in place and the key actually opened it.

VOILA... I did it!!!  It felt great and it made me realize how fear  has been a part of my life and how many times it has stopped me.  Maybe I can do so much more... maybe I can be so much more... I just have to try. Maybe I can surprise myself with so many other things that I have wanted to do, if I can just silence that voice inside of me.

You know the old saying that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.... well maybe it is true!!!!

 The next installement on Annie Wright is almost ready and I will post it tomorrow

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Wishing Your Life Away

The wishing well in my yard... full of dreams and wishes that have yet to be realised.
 Another rainy night here at the Inn. It is really raining out there and I am thankful to be safe and warm here inside. The wood stove is burning and I hear the rain outside. I also will be knitting for awhile before going to bed with a book. Life is good!

I have been thinking a lot lately about what is really important in life. We make so many wishes throughout our life, in fact from the time we are small children, we learn the practice of wishing for this or that, or for  a special day to arrive; like a birthday or Christmas. My Mom used to tell me not to wish my life away, for each day was important.  Yet I still wish for things at this point in my life... lets just say I have reached that wonderful phase in life called mid-life. Hurrah I made it to here and I am still standing and I am still wishing.

I still have big dreams and am determined to turn them into reality. The one benefit of getting older is knowing that there is only so much time left and that we do have an expirary date. It makes everything we do much more important. We learn to simplify and get rid of the drama in our lives so that we can concentrate on what we really want.  Getting older does not mean  that we should let go of our dreams, it means we should use our experiences and  hard earned wisdom to take us towards what  fills our imagination.   We must find the courage to face our dreams and take one small step towards making it happen.  After the first step, take the second and then keep on going.  Practice  going towards it, fill your head with the possibilities of realizing it and what it will feel like turing that burning desire into a reality.  Write it down and make a list of what you have to do to make it real.  

I have several dreams left in me, several that I keep hidden just for me. The one that I will share with you  is to build my own greenhouse next summer. A real greenhouse, that will be heated and will provide me with fresh food in spring, summer and fall.  I need a root cellar to go with it. You can check out  one of my favourite books that is on my wish list about growing vegetables. It is about a winter harvest but that would be a little extreme here in the  Gaspe.

 Go ahead,  go after your dream and let me know what it is as I would love to hear from you.
 Those who have achieved their dreams know that life is about willpower and persistence. It’s about hanging on to hope when your heart has had enough, and giving even more when your mind and body want to give up. Yes, each step may get harder but it will be well worth enduring the journey to get there.
The next chapter of Annie Wright will be ready tomorrow night so be sure to come back and catch up on her story.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Next Page

If you have been reading this blog, you know that I have been telling the story of Annie Wright. Her daughter found an old handwritten  book in her belongings after she died. She has travelled to the Inn to find out  more about the woman that  she knew only as her mother.

Who was Annie Wright Part Five

I remember that he got up from the table after his lunch and walked towards the door. I immediately felt  a sense of loss and for whatever reason I asked him to stay and help me wash the dishes. He looked at me with a slight smile and said, " How rude of me to just walk off like this, what was I thinking." He told me later that as he had walked  away from the table, he had tried to find a reason to stay as well.

Lunch turned into an afternoon walk and into a late supper. The evening passed and  we both fought an overwhelming sense of loss at the thought of being seperated. I had never been a bold person but for the first time in my life , I wanted something  that went against what my father allowed. I wanted him to stay, I wanted him to keep talking, I wanted to feel something that had made me tremble for the first time. As if God had heard  my silent prayers, it started to rain and with it came  gusts of wind that shook the  rafters of  my parent's old house.  Once again, I bravely told him that he could not leave on such a night for it would be too dangerous. His  eyes grew darker and my heart beat faster.  He said he would sleep on the couch, I said yes and went to find him a blamket upstairs in the linen closet. I remember going into my room and looking at myself in the mirror.  For several minutes I argued with my sensible side and forced myself to remember who I was and to think seriously about what I was doing.    I was a young woman of twenty years old which should have made me   a more responsable person. My parents had left on another business trip and would have never expected their daughter to allow a stranger into the house; let alone sleep in it as well.

As much as I tried to reason with myself, I put a smile on my face,  fixed my hair and went back downstairs to see him stretched out on the couch, lost in his thoughts.  As soon as he saw me, he got up and walked towards me. I handed him the blanket and he placed it on the couch. He touched my face and looked into my eyes, searching for any sign that would  allow him to wrap his arms around me. I  took a step forward and found myself  caught up in  what would become the happiest time in my life and the most painful to forget.  

That's it for now.... I will write several entries this week, so be sure to come back and follow along.


October Thoughts

 A Sunday morning service from the past, in fact it is a wedding.
Good morning, here it is another Sunday morning  at the Inn. It's definitely getting colder up here in the Gaspe. It will take more wood to keep the place warm. I must go and fill up the woodbox and finishing digging up the garden. I expect snow at anytime now and this week will force me to buy my winter tires and my winter boots.

A  few words of wisdom for today as it is a Sunday morning and always a time for reflection.....
    Do you know that  whatever trouble or hurting that you are going through right now has a purpose in your life. Pain doesn’t just show up for no reason. It’s a sign that something in your life needs to change. At times it can seem to take over your life and consume your thoughts with heavy darkness but it is a necessary part of existance, because just like the butterfly you are goinging to change for the better and turn into that person you know deep down that you are supposed to be. But this change takes strength and remember, it’s not that those who are strong never get weak in the knees, or that they never gasp for a breath. It’s that while their knees are shaking,  their heart is beating,  their body is weak,  that they force themselves to breathe and to take another step forward. It is what we all must do.... take that next step forward, open that door and face the fear, for you will find your way through the darkness. If you are looking to read a good book on the subject, read The Road Less Traveled .