Here it is fall again. It seems that this time of the year is a time of reflection for me. The rush of the summer is over and I feel an intense fatigue. It is the same every year, yet each year it gets worst and my thoughts of changing my life becomes more desperate.
This is the Thanksgiving weekend and a time to clean everything up before winter sets in. I dug up the garden and Pierre cut the lawn for the last time this year. Many people do not like the fall, yet I love it. It is a time to slow things down.... to get ready to settle in for the long cold months ahead.
For me it is also a time to think of my future.. should I stay or should I go as the song says? I have dedicated 12 years of my life to saving a museum and as time goes on, the weight of the responsibility becomes heavier and more stressful. Without any recurrent funding, I am left to deal with all aspects of its management. I have known for years that it is too much for one person to handle and yet I have continued because it kept my bills paid, although much of the time I was only a full time volunteer because I had no money to pay myself. Nothing will ever change because the government has no money to support heritage institutions and we all end up scrambling and competiting for the few dollars that is available. Without funding, I am expected to make it work by a community that does not understand what it means to keep it going with nothing. They do not realise that I cannot make miracles, yet I try each year at the expense of my health...... which is why I end up so depleated at this time of year.
Therefore when October arrives, it brings forth my ever-growing desire to walk away and earn my own living. I have wanted to use my imagination and creative skills to make a living ever since I can remember. I have wanted to write a book since I was a small child. I feel very strongly that this is the time to do it and all that is stopping me is the natural fear of walking away from the security of next year's pay check.. although I have no funding for that now anyway.
As I sit here sippingy my herbal tea while waiting for my tomatoe relish to finish cooking so I can bottle it, I imagine what a simple life would be like. I cut up a pumpkin to make pumkin bread as Erin, my daughter said hers was delicious and that I most definitely had to make it. I feel the pleasure of taking the time to slow life down and taking the time to do the real things in life.. cooking a good meal, cleaning out corners that I never have time for, knitting a scarf which will be so warm for the winter. If only I could find the courage to walk away from the hectic pace of a stressful job and begin again at 55 to live the life that I was supposed to live and write the stories that fill my imagination and paint and stitch the things that bring me joy.
Yes I am grateful for all that I have, for I am so fortunate on this beautiful day to have my gifted daughter, a man in my life who I love and a home to keep me and my small family of pets safe and warm. So many times I have overcome my struggles and succeeded to keep on going.. it actually amazes me and I am so thankful that I had the strength to stay standing. Yet I still have a road to travel to get to where I must go to fill my path on this earth.
The story continues..........for I will write my book and my life will be of my choosing.......